Old schoolfriends, new pains in the arse

With your kind permission, I want to make a plea to anyone I knew from the ages of 4-18 who might be reading this, not that they will be, to STOP FUCKING ADDING ME ON FACEBOOK!!

Thank you. Whew. I feel better now. Like I've just lanced a boil. Or turned over from Patrick Kielty.

If you hadn't guessed, my current pet annoyance - and I have many, you may or may not know, is the culture of old school 'friends' trying to add each other on social networking site/life-sucking parasite Facebook. When I say, each other, I of course mean me. Because every other day, some gimp I never liked ten years ago and sure as shit ain't gonna like today, tries their luck.

Facebook is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it's genuinely a good place to chat, arrange nights out, play poker (a real vice - thank God it's not involving money!) and chill out. I'm very fond of it and would miss it if it wasn't there. On the other, it's full to the brim of stupid people. The older I get, the more I realise how many of them there are. And, sadly, I knew most of them at school. When I first joined Facebook (or Arsebook as my sage mate Adam calls it), roughly two years ago, I added everyone I could find who I knew or did know. As time wore on, I realised:

a) I never really liked them back then anyway

and

b) I couldn't give a flying, stationary or forward-rolling fuck what they were doing now.

So I deleted them. Instituted my 'statue of limitation' policy (which only excludes family), ie if we don't see each other in real life or have a decent Facebook conversation within three months of being friends, I'm out of there. I'm gone. Into the cyber-ether away from your dull life and profile where your photo shows you bare-chested dancing with a glowstick, you profess to only reading the Daily Star 'for da pictures!' and say 'LOL!!!' a million times at ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I must have deleted 150 of these complete dickwads in one fell swoop and I never looked back.

Today an old school 'friend' tried to add me. I rejected him while imagining firing him out of a cannon into the heart of the Sun. Then I went and played poker with a smile on my face.