DOCTOR WHO: Planet of the desert that looks suspiciously like Dubai

I used to hate Doctor Who.

No, really. There would be re-runs on UK Gold as a kid of probably episodes from the 70's and by Christ they bored the arse off me. They seemed to be endless and go precisely NOWHERE, plus they looked shit. And not in an ironic, Red Dwarf-y kind of way.

In fairness, I think I'd like them a lot more 15 years on if I tried them again. I do like so-called 'NuWho' - the reimagining by Russell. T. Davies which since 2005 hasn't so much dominated and changed the TV landscape as raped it's entire family in one go and sired lots of mutant, giant-sized children. My clumsy metaphor basically means it's EVERYWHERE now and given it's actually pretty damn good, that's by no means a bad thing.

Unless you get an episode like this Easter's 'Planet of the Dead aka desert that looks suspiciously like Dubai'.

Now, I didn't hate it. NuWho has done worse episodes, definitely. 'Father's Day' for example, or perhaps 'Rise of the Cybermen' - both of which couldn't have stank less if a gigantic fat man with incontinence shat on the Earth for 7006 days none stop. In some ways, it wasn't half bad and was diverting fun - a London bus in the desert, the superb HD visuals, Lee Evans remarkably being funny and not annoying the living crap out of me as usual, David Tennant just being possible one of the most likeable people ever on TV and to top it all, 60 minutes of staring at the so-gorgeous-I-want-to-rip-out-my-eyes, Michelle Ryan.

Who, to be fair, is the main reason this special was mostly a big letdown.

Yes, she's stunning. Yes, I'd happily spend an age dancing for ha'pennies in her shadow just for a glimpse of her regions nether. But sweet O'Quinn... she cannot act to save her life. It's no wonder Bionic Woman tanked (though it was hardly The Wire, in fairness to her). Our Michelle is a talentless, charisma vacuum that should be seen (preferably naked) and not heard. Putting her alongside a charisma machine like Tennant makes it all the more apparent - nor does saddling her with a character in Lady Christina that aims for a young Lara Croft but infact gives us a woman so annoyingly smug I'd like to strap her into a led-lined missile tied to ten thousand anvils and fire her into the Bering Sea. She was my biggest problem with this and my biggest source of torment. My eyes want them to write her a spin-off show. My brain wants, therefore, to burn my eyes in their sockets.

The trailer for the next one in most likely November, 'The Waters of Mars', looks better. Here's hoping. I'm now off to try and erase several years of EastEnders the lovely Ms Ryan starred in from my memory before my brain and eyes declare mutual-assured destruction.