Sunday, 26 April 2009
Nothing lasting forever
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
DOCTOR WHO: Planet of the desert that looks suspiciously like Dubai
No, really. There would be re-runs on UK Gold as a kid of probably episodes from the 70's and by Christ they bored the arse off me. They seemed to be endless and go precisely NOWHERE, plus they looked shit. And not in an ironic, Red Dwarf-y kind of way.
In fairness, I think I'd like them a lot more 15 years on if I tried them again. I do like so-called 'NuWho' - the reimagining by Russell. T. Davies which since 2005 hasn't so much dominated and changed the TV landscape as raped it's entire family in one go and sired lots of mutant, giant-sized children. My clumsy metaphor basically means it's EVERYWHERE now and given it's actually pretty damn good, that's by no means a bad thing.
Unless you get an episode like this Easter's 'Planet of the Dead aka desert that looks suspiciously like Dubai'.
Now, I didn't hate it. NuWho has done worse episodes, definitely. 'Father's Day' for example, or perhaps 'Rise of the Cybermen' - both of which couldn't have stank less if a gigantic fat man with incontinence shat on the Earth for 7006 days none stop. In some ways, it wasn't half bad and was diverting fun - a London bus in the desert, the superb HD visuals, Lee Evans remarkably being funny and not annoying the living crap out of me as usual, David Tennant just being possible one of the most likeable people ever on TV and to top it all, 60 minutes of staring at the so-gorgeous-I-want-to-rip-out-my-eyes, Michelle Ryan.
Who, to be fair, is the main reason this special was mostly a big letdown.
Yes, she's stunning. Yes, I'd happily spend an age dancing for ha'pennies in her shadow just for a glimpse of her regions nether. But sweet O'Quinn... she cannot act to save her life. It's no wonder Bionic Woman tanked (though it was hardly The Wire, in fairness to her). Our Michelle is a talentless, charisma vacuum that should be seen (preferably naked) and not heard. Putting her alongside a charisma machine like Tennant makes it all the more apparent - nor does saddling her with a character in Lady Christina that aims for a young Lara Croft but infact gives us a woman so annoyingly smug I'd like to strap her into a led-lined missile tied to ten thousand anvils and fire her into the Bering Sea. She was my biggest problem with this and my biggest source of torment. My eyes want them to write her a spin-off show. My brain wants, therefore, to burn my eyes in their sockets.
The trailer for the next one in most likely November, 'The Waters of Mars', looks better. Here's hoping. I'm now off to try and erase several years of EastEnders the lovely Ms Ryan starred in from my memory before my brain and eyes declare mutual-assured destruction.
Leia Mais…LOST 5x12 - consider the bald guy now in charge
It's fair to say it was rollicking stuff from start to finish. Terry O'God aka Quinn and Michael Emerson Lake & Palmer are the grand statesmen of the show and they simply outclass the rest of the cast on every level - even Jeff Fahey, who's awesome in one of those hard to pinpoint ways. He just is. It's fact. The whole thing continues the power struggle between Locke & Ben, one which has now wonderfully flipped on it's axis - Locke is very much the custodian of secrets, of where to go and what to do and Ben HATES it. So would I, if I were him: 'who's this slaphead who's only been here five minutes to tell ME what to do?'. Shame the inexplicably alive Island very much considers the bald guy now in charge, innit?
Friday, 10 April 2009
Fashion and adamantium-encrused shit
Wednesday, 8 April 2009
WATCH THESE FILMS! - The Mist / [REC] / There Will Be Blood
Most movies you watch, however dark or grisly or frightening the subject matter, the audience are left with some kind of hope by the end, something to reassure them the world isn't a Godless equation where nothing happens for a reason.
Not so The Mist. It'll leave you so depressed you might just want to place your head in a boiling deep fat fryer and end it all right there.
Onto now much more of a conventional horror with [REC] - possibly the best Spanish import since Fernando Torres.
Finally in this odyssey of films wot I just wotched (misspelling intentional for the less mentally flexible out there), There Will Be Blood - which I can't help but say with a cackling accent it's so ominous. Daniel Day-Lewis is probably the only man who could play Daniel Plainview, the lead who's on screen for 2 1/2 hours almost solidly. Let's face it, DL is a bit bonkers himself, ain't he? You have to be to undertake 'method' acting. At the same time, such devotion to a piece leads to a staggering performance of ego, power, strength, fear and even comedy (especially in the darkly funny climax - you'll be shouting 'DRAAAAAAAAAINAGE!' for a while afterward, trust me). Equally good is Paul Dano as Eli Sunday, a young preacher who's devotion to his church gets in the way of Plainview's plans, and their conflict charges through the spine of the film - as does Plainview's relationship with his young son HW. All the rest is incidental - Anderson shooting the whole thing with an epic yet eerie feel, backed up by Jonny Greenwood's marvellously offbeat score. It's a slow-burn piece yet moments such as an oil spill are shot with such tension, blockbuster actioners could learn a thing or two.
It's powerful stuff, won't be easy to grasp or digest on first viewing, but it's hard to deny this is a modern masterpiece. Movies like this don't happen often anymore. I'm not sure they ever really did.
Books, Blogs and Big Fat Outlines
Sunday, 5 April 2009
99% of you are morons
Saturday, 4 April 2009
Random Updateage
Oh yeah, while I think about it:
1) I'm working on an outline for a new pilot. It's called 'Death Wish'. And it's got fuck all to do with Charles Bronson.
2) Went on a spree - bought some awesome new IPod earphones that block out so much exterior sound I might as well be bricked up in a Siberian well; two classics - The Terminator and Seven - one modern goodie, Pineapple Express; most excitingly, Season One of The Wire - a show everyone and his crippled grandma has been telling me is THE GREATEST SHOW EVER MADE. I hope it is. Can't wait to find out.
3) Oh, and I didn't go last night in the end. Not properly. Nor did I end up watching The Shield, either. So in other words, I did my usual party piece: wasted hours of fucking time looking at crap on the Net. What a wonderful life I lead.
Are you a Rhino? I bet you're a Cow
Friday, 3 April 2009
The minutae of fraternisation
Thursday, 2 April 2009
LOST 5x11 - closed loop, timey-wimey, Hurley-wurly
WATCH THIS FILM! - The Damned United
Sweating confectionary

The last few weeks, there's been a charity raffle gathering steam for Easter at work in which the prize is a MASSIVE chocolate Easter egg. Not quite as stupidly big as the one to your left, but not far off. Certainly big enough to house a baby. Or an Oompa Loompa.
I didn't win it.
I suppose I should be thankful. I have been wheening off the fatty foods lately, wheening onto the exercise in an attempt to shed a few blobs of adipose. But c'mon... who WOULDN'T want to win a chocolate egg the size of this guy? Exactly.
The winner - a teacher - ultimately gave the beast to the same charity who made a good wadge of money out of it. Better that than getting in the hands of some little oik who'll eat him or herself to chronic obsesity and end up waddling around the school like something from a crappy 50's B-movie, literally sweating confectionary.
I don't see the big deal about Easter, anyway. Sure, to the 'JESUS ROCKS!!' squad it's a great couple of days, but to Joseph Public by and large it's just become a license to become greater fat fucks than we are already. I'm only looking forward to two things about Easter - 1) my upcoming three long-weekends off work and 2) the latest Doctor Who special, which has deserts, a London bus, bee-like aliens and Michelle Ryan.
Need I say more?
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Old schoolfriends, new pains in the arse
Facebook is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it's genuinely a good place to chat, arrange nights out, play poker (a real vice - thank God it's not involving money!) and chill out. I'm very fond of it and would miss it if it wasn't there. On the other, it's full to the brim of stupid people. The older I get, the more I realise how many of them there are. And, sadly, I knew most of them at school. When I first joined Facebook (or Arsebook as my sage mate Adam calls it), roughly two years ago, I added everyone I could find who I knew or did know. As time wore on, I realised:
Moments of transition
Much as I still have Season Five of The DSR to write, concluding my (first) magnum opus, in many ways I feel as though it's finished already. It's outlined heavily. Not to my complete satisfaction yet. If you know me, you know I practically write a script in the outline before I genuinely write it. I need that attention to detail in advance in order to write well, or at least what I'd consider well. I'll take another pass at the storyboards in time, tightening them up - for my staff and myself to write.
But the ultimate series finale - a story that's been in my head for at least three years at various stages of development - is plotted. I know how The DSR ends with more clarity than ever before, which means the end is closer than ever. This time next year, The DSR will already be two months over. Over four years of work, 100+ episodes. Done. Dusted. The spin-off Schism will follow soon after.
So I'm left with an open diary, bar one or two freelance assignments in the VS world.
What will I do without The DSR? It feels like it's always been there, the next outline, the next script. I have plenty of ideas for what to do next - too many, arguably - but what DO I do? Another long-running series? Can I put the same time and effort into a project so soon after this one? Do I venture into writing movie scripts for a while? Mini-series'? Do I - shock and horror - even have a break from writing and simply review others work for a while? I don't feel my batteries need recharging, I simply feel... uncertain.
I feel like a child preparing to leave home for the first time and not knowing what to expect in the big, bad world.











